Tales from the Pond

Or Attack of the Leaping Fish.

This story comes from my trip to Russia when I was 16. I was a lucky girl, wasn't I? My father took me, his twin sister, and her son. My mother didn't go because she refuses to set foot on a plane. This was my first plane trip ever. I was very excited. I plan on telling a few Russia stories, so I should give some background. My aunt hated me. Very much. From the day I was born. She taught her son to hate me as well. He'd forget on occasion, and when he did we got along very well. But a lot of the time, he was a brat and we fought. My father and I fought almost constantly when I was a kid. So no one really got along and we were going to another country for 6 weeks. Sound like fun?

So we're in Russia visiting relatives. Distant cousins on my father's side. I wind up calling them aunt and uncle, though, 'cause they're older. They're lovely people. My "uncle" was in an important position at the time, so we had to be careful about how we travelled. Usually we had a bodyguard of some kind. I know, it sounds all oh-la-la but it was more annoying than anything. I'd sneak out all of the time. But I digress. My uncle decides that we should picnic up at this wonderful lake he knows. Said something about the wonderful fish there. Huge fish. We hop into several different jeeps. We weren't allowed to travel in the same car as my uncle. He'd had several attempts on his life and it wasn't safe to ride with him. My cousin, Den, and I ride in our own jeep.

A moment to talk about Russian cars. At the time, there were about five different cars you could find in Russia. None are like any car you know. We are talking no shocks, people. None. That's bad enough on a normal paved road, but you go out into the country with gravel roads and potholes bigger than a child and you want to die. To say we were jostled is an understatement. Our heads actually slammed, repeatedly, into the ceiling. Eventually, I hunched down low in my seat to avoid that. Now, if you're a girl, you'll understand this part.. I had to cross my arms over my chest because I thought my boobs would be bounced off my body. I was dying. I had a migraine, my chest hurt, my stomach hated me, my back was protesting. It was hell. My cousin, the puker, luckily managed to keep from hurling this time. I was grateful for that small favor.

We finally arrive at the lake. It's....well, a lake. I'm not a nature person so don't expect me to wax poetic on it. There were some picnic tables, a rowboat, and a paddle boat. They put out these fish traps and we were told to go find something to do, have fun. Now I don't remember whose idea it was, but we all wound up thinking how fun it would be to hop into the rowboat. I tried to paddle at first, but that didn't work well. My left arm is much weaker than my right and I had to row twice on my left side for every one stroke on my right. It was jerky and making people ill. I should also say that I had two cousins in the boat with me. Both male, Den and A. I'm protecting the innocent here. A was sitting up on the back (aft?) of the rowboat, Den took over the middle and the rowing, and I sat up front. I was half turned to the back to talk to both. I was nervous about A sitting up on the edge of the boat like that but shrugged it off. Hindsight, man.. It's a bitch.

We're rowing and chatting and laughing. Then we get out to the middle and the boat gets knocked off course. I look over the side and it was a huge fucking fish. It rammed the boat. I blink a bit but shrug it off. Then another. And another. We look at each other and chuckle nervously. Then, out of the corner of my eye, I catch this thing flying through the air near the back of the boat. I then hear A shriek. This, of course, causes me to let out a yelp. The combined shrieking and yelping makes Den scream like a little girl. This freaks me out so I scream a bit more. I turn to A. He's got a huge fish on his lap that he's trying to shoo off, all while shrieking. That stops my screaming. I'm too stunned to at this point. A scoots the fish off his lap and back into the water. He's got a huge wet spot from the fish across his lap. Eventually, Den stops his screaming. I hear distant laughter from the shore. Den turns to me and asks, "What were we screaming about?" My jaw drops.

I tell him about the huge fish, he peeks over the side and shudders. At this point, we're all shaken and dazed. He rows straight into some reeds and catches an oar to the chest, nearly knocking himself into the fish infested water. We decide it'd be best for all if we stay on land. On the way back fish ram us left and right. I won't lie, we were scared. They were still laughing at us when we dragged ourselves out of that boat and back onto shore. All we could say was "You don't know.. You just don't know." and "Huge fish! Attacking us!"

We ate our fish lunch with great relish. Sweet revenge. And after lunch? We went on the paddle boat. Yeah, not too bright, are we?